L is for the way you 6 Look at Me…

I would have done something cute about their location but not only can I not spell it but I can’t really tell you anything about it. And while I could pull an Emily and buy a guidebook or google it, let’s be honest… I don’t really have time for all that. 

So Arie had the first one-on-one date and the Bachelorette producers promised that the first 30 minutes would be drama. And, again, they weren’t. So while it’s possible that Emily is so nice that she can’t cause drama or this season is really just boring, all I know is that I didn’t really pay attention. Why may you ask? Because Arie dated the producer before Emily ever considered reality TV and it was not serious. AKA a non issue in my book. But whatever.

There was a 3 on 1 date, Doug, Chris and Sean. Basically Emily felt bad keeping Doug away from his kid and sent him home. Then Sean got the group rose which made Chris angry. Also, Sean apparently didn’t get enough time with Emily so at some point he and I quote “runs around town yelling her name until he finds her.” 

John got a one-on-one which was just awkward in general. You knew this was not going well when he couldn’t even close the lock on the bridge.

Also – why all these love things? Lock on the bridge, wish in the love wall, love clock thing… That’s just awkward when you send them home! You’re asking for heartache.’

Jef got a one-on-one involving puppets and making out on a library floor. Yeah – no one else in the world would put those two together.

Emily decided she didn’t need a cocktail party… And was down to her last rose (Sean was safe, Jef and Arie have roses) when Chris “needed” to talk to her. AKA make a fool of himself begging her to keep him. So Wolf/John got set home. 

Which should surprise no one. Who is going to marry someone named Wolf?!

Next week – hometowns! This should be fun. Is Ricki going to hometowns? Will it be the most dramatic rose ceremony ever? (Again). Will Emily finally be mean? (Doubt it). 

According to the Previews, she cries a lot. This could be interesting.

My London Bridge want to go down.

Let me preface this by saying: I’m totally team Emily. I think she’s awesome and totally deserves love (as much as you can think someone you’ve never met deserves love). However, some of the things that happen make me shake my head.

According to the Previews, this was going to be the most dramatic episode in Bachelor History. Sweet lil Emily even tells someone to get the f*** out over daughter. Which is understandable, you’re on reality TV with your daughter. 

They are in London this week! One of the boys even claims it’s the most romantic city – sorry Paris! 

The first one-on-one goes to Sean. (He’s the D1 football player from Texas). Emily apparently lived a past life in London because she is leading this boy around like she’s the Queen herself. Then, Sean got on “Speaker’s Corner.” He winged it… and said love about 25 times in 2 minutes. Make that 50 times. I am questioning his actual ability to love. It’s just all too much Sean, you’re trying awful hard. Dinner in the London Tower? Because love takes no prisoners? What’s next Alcatraz? Eastern State Premonitory? Also Emily threatened to behead Sean if he didn’t behave – going very King Henry the 8th on people. 

Meanwhile, the boys are whiny about group dates. Kalon opens his helicopter affording mouth to make a jab at Ricky (Emily’s daughter) and how if you end up with Emily every day will be a group date. As my daddy would say, “Smooth move exlax.”  They get another date card that quotes Shakespeare. “I think that’s Shakespeare.” High school english teachers around the world just cringed.

Also, can we just take a moment to discuss Kalon (as he is perceived on this show – I will totally admit we could be besties in real life or something). 

1. He showed up in a helicopter, came out being all smooth and douche canoe like. (Thank you The Bloggess for that one. Check http://www.thebloggess.com for lots of laughs. You’re welcome.)

2. He’s totally one of those people who would never hold the door or pick something up for you if you dropped it aka no chivalry. Which makes me judge you. 

3. I don’t know if he hates kids or just Emily’s child in particular… But people should lock him in a daycare just for funsies. 

4. Kalon needs a filter. And potentially manners. And his Momma should/probably is embarrassed. 

So group dating it up with Romeo and Juliet. Arie gets to be a nurse – haha. This is hysterical with his accent (correction: all their accents). Picture Rhett Butler (from Gone with the Wind) talking and Leonardo DiCaprio acting… That’s pretty much what this is starting to shape up as. Also Kalon thinks he will up for a Tony after this performance – he has his game face on.  I would like to throw tomatoes.. Well if I didn’t like my TV. Um. Is Emily dressed as Juliet or Colonial Williamsburg? How did they find a dress that fit Arie? These boys are now going to fight like salmon going upstream to get that special time with Emily. Arie wants her to make him feel like he’s the only boy on the show. :cue Rihanna: Let’s discuss Ryan shall we? He told Emily that she would make a great trophy wife and that she better not gain any weight. Which he totally made up sucked up to her by buying her jewelry. 

The Kalon drama starts now. He’s not going to retract nor apologize for his statement about calling Ricki baggage. Apparently he means baggage as responsibility – which is a total CYA (cover your ass) move that you do when you don’t actually mean it. Doug tattles to Emily. Emily throws aside her Southern Lady tendencies to kick ass and take names. Emily goes to the group. Doug takes charge of the confrontation. Emily sees Emily as a blessing (as every parent should). Kalon tries to interrupt… like a jerk. Basically, I was expecting WWE Raw or something and Emily gave me a lot of “I’m disappointed” and “This is insulting.” I would like to see the Southern Sass that everyone knows us Southern Belles have. No group rose.

Also nice butt shots ABC. I’m sure the husbands/boyfriends/males being forced to watch appreciate it. 

Commercial: Quizno’s has fresh lobster? I’m not sure how I feel about that. Quizno’s is going to have a lobster tank and kill lobsters in front of people? Let’s leave that to Red Lobster, shall we? 

Also, is Glass House like a real life Sims game? That’s what it sounds like. I’m totally a fan.

Jef is getting a one-on-one apparently. I need him to not only add another f to his name but also a hair cut. I’m pretty sure the Fresh Prince of Bel Air called – they want their hair back. (Love Emily’s coat on this date!) They receive etiquette training during an afternoon tea. How awkward. It’s hard to be romantic and sexy when you are getting critiqued. Which in turn caused them to dine and dash. Jef gets the awesome task of making Emily feel super comfortable with the boys after the Kalon debacle. His solution to smoothing over the debacle is comparing Ricki to vintage Louis Vuitton or a Chloe handbag. Do what you do Jef – just remember she already had one fiance die in a plane crash – I don’t think her heart can handle unicorns and glitter as well. Afterwards, they have dessert on a ferris wheel in the middle of London where there is dessert which is apparently plastic because no one is eating it. They begin this conversation that is a healthy mix between Nicholas Sparks and the song “Check Yes or No”. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHxS8wlDngI) Jef finally has his first kiss by asking permission (by letter to her father).  “Emily gives me the feeling people write fairy tales about.” Or any rom com to date. 

Emily proceeds to grill all of the boys about why they didn’t stand up for her and what they will do in the future. I akin this to spotlight in a police station. Ryan reenacts Romeo and Juliet (again) which Emily eats up. Does no one have a bad idea alarm here?!? Direct quote “It’s less butterflies in my stomach and more butterflies in my heart.” I can’t make this up if I tried. 

So, Kalon goes home on the group date. Jef, Sean, Dougie Fresh, Ryan, Chris, Wolf, Travis, and Arie received roses. 

The Mushroom Farmer goes home. He wasn’t expecting to go home… never mind that this group date was the first one he’d been on.

Join me after next Monday’s episode where they go to Croatia. Lots of kisses and someone is going home. More drama – someone is not here for Emily (surprise, surprise).